Chuck Durham

At Crush in Chicago: "I just got dumped by my girlfriend, I miss everything about her except her 'smells like 50 animals at the same time' morning breath..."
Ben Benson

Of Seattle: "My wife and I found out we were the perfect couple when we first met: She was an acupuncturist, and I had a heroin addiction."
Cheryl Henke

At The Comedy Club in Madison Wisconsin: "My mom has a Christmas decoration she puts on her door, it's a pig in a Santa suit. It's like a sign that says "Welcome Holiday Overeaters!"
Rodney Dangerfield

Finally this posthumous tidbit from the dearly departed genius at his last Vegas appearance: "I'm dating a woman, man I'm telling you she's old. We had a fight, I told her to act her age, so she died."
President Bush Our ever-thoughtful Commander in Chief announced that he will seek a hike in the military "death benefit," offering $250,000 in government payments to the families of troops killed in Iraq during the great WMD Snipe Hunt. Dick Cheney has added that every bereaved family member of a slain US soldier will also receive a novelty garment that reads "Halliburton Got 8 billion Bucks, but all I got was crippling grief, 250 grand, and this lousy tee shirt."
Fanta Soda Movie Commericals Even the worst disasters can offer a silver lining of hope: Coca-Cola has stopped airing those Fanta commercials featuring those Spice Girl wanna-bes the Fanta Girls. The executives at Coke realized that in light of recent tragic events, referring to a "tidal wave of flavor" is tasteless. The new, more sensitive promotions promise that drinking a Coke is like being herded into "a gas chamber of fun."
Liza Minelli "Liza with a Z" (whose evil-clown appearance is Horrifying With An "H") has had a tough autumn and winter. Her bodyguard accused her of forcing him to have sex with her to keep his job, an affront to God and nature that she didn't even inflict on her former husband David Gest. Recently she was hospitalized after falling out of her bed in New York City. We can only imagine the spectacular thud as her 180lb. body hit the floor along with the 200 pounds of pancake makeup she was wearing at the time. As usual Liza is a pale imitation of her mom Judy Garland, who at least knew how to die of an overdose without annoying the downstairs neighbors by getting rescued.
James Dobson

Dobson, founder of the right-wing censorship/homophobia juggernaut "Focus On The Family" (a phrase that also accurately describes the organizational approach espoused by Charles Manson) has once again saved the chastity of America by taking aim at SpongeBob Squarepants. It seems the high-pitched reef dwelling animated edition of Phylum Porifera has an insidious "gay agenda" We at D/D agree with James that the men of America had better beware: SpongeBob wants to fit his SquarePeg in your RoundHole!
Officer John Roe Well that's not really his name, but it is the name this particular San Diego cop used to fight a Freedom of Speech case all the way to the Supreme Court. What speech was he fighting for? Well, his right to sell videotapes of himself masturbating in his S.D.P.D. uniform for a little cash on the side. Despite this entirely noble purpose (let's face it: getting paid to spank your monkey is exactly what the Founding Fathers were thinking of when they wrote the First Amendment) Officer Roe lost. In his most popular video, Roe paddled his canoe while pretending to write a parking summons. The tape proves just what we all suspected: anyone who wants to make a living writing tickets is a total jack-off.
Super Bowl Half-Time Producers

In an effort to win the public back after last year's Boobgate debacle, 65-year-old former Beatle Paul McCartney (known as recently as 37 years ago as The Cute Beatle) was the lead performer at this year's game. In the name of all that was decent and holy -- not to mention a desire to keep our snack chips inside our stomach cavity -- we're glad not to have seen Sir Paul's nipples.
Alberto Gonzales Talk about high standards!!! The Bush Administration's nominee for Attorney General has offered to raise the Bar of Freedom and semi-calm the fears of many civil libertarians by promising not to break the Geneva Convention while overseeing our nation's law enforcement. Of course Alberto believes that "pain that doesn't lead to permanent injury" is not torture; so don't be surprised when he adds "the right to an electrode up your ass" to the Miranda Warning.