Grace Fraga At the Los Angeles Laugh Factory: "My mom lives in Venezuela but she is always online, nagging me with her IM's. What I've got in my house isn't a computer; it's a 9000 mile long umbilical cord."
Linda Sweig At The Chase Café: "My friends wonder why I date men in their 80's. Hey, you don't know what sexual pleasure is until you've had a man with Parkinson's put his hand down your panties."
Erika Edwards "I think I must really get on God's nerves. While other people are praying for world peace and an end to human suffering, I'm dialing him up to ask Him to help me find my lip gloss or a good parking space."
Craig Kilborn Signing off unexpectedly after five successful years at the "Late Late Show," Kilby's damn-the-torpedoes sarcasm and humorously oily charm had a unique style that will be sorely missed.
Hollywood Hell House If you're in LA now through Halloween, visit this brilliant take-off on Christian haunted houses, in which each room of horrors conveys a "sin" such as a girl freaking out during an abortion or the aftermath of a drunk driving crash. With Bill Maher playing Satan and Sarah Silverman playing the abortion "victim", this is truly wicked fun.
Zach Braff The star of "Scrubs" wrote, directed and stars in Garden State, a very funny yet touching take on facing the harsh realities of your life and making peace with your past. Go see it or we will punch you in the pants.
Bea Arthur Arguably the single most un-fuckable star ever to grace the small screen, Queen Bea went mad at Boston's Logan Airport after security officials found a pocket knife in her purse. By way of explanation she shouted "It was the terrorists, the terrorists, the terrorists!" She also screamed "We're doomed!" before amazingly being allowed to take her seat on the plane. Funny they let her board, because as we all know Logan Airport has historically been well known for its top notch security..
The Dave Mathews Tour Bus DMB's bus has been accused of dousing a boatload of Chicago River tourists with raw sewage. Matthews vehemently denied the charges, stating, "The only thing I splatter with shit is the radio dial."
Gunnar Sorensen It became sadly apparent that this Gunnar is no straight shooter after Edvard Munch's famous painting "The Scream" was stolen in broad daylight from the Oslo museum he manages. The museum has no armed guards, no direct link to the police, and no insurance on the painting; which is most likely screaming "take me back to the museum." Gunnar (whose brain matter was the inspiration for the Beatles' "Norwegian Wood") did have this pithy advice for the thieves: "Whatever they do, they should take care of the pictures as best as they can."
Tanzania's Gay Sex Laws Tanzania announced new punishments for those caught having homosexual sex. Males caught together receive 25 years; females caught "in flagrante" will be receiving only seven. Although some might call this a double standard, we see it as a case of foresight from the Tanzanian judges, cuz let's face it, seeing girls get it on might be naughty, but it's not really wrong.
Passion of the Christ on DVD The epic story of Christ being beaten to a bloody pulp is coming out on DVD just in time for the holidays. This might make a good stocking stuffer, but give the Savior a break and don't hang it on the tree.