Conan O'Brien Ever since the Angel of Death told Lucille Ball that he Loved Lucy, Conan has been America's Favorite Redhead. Now NBC has announced that he'll be taking over the Tonight Show in 2009 from bloated sellout hack Jay Leno. Hey Peacock Network-do the comedy world a favor and bring O'Brien on in five days, not five years.
Laurie McDermott At Zanies in Chicago: "I left an article in Cosmopolitan on the nightstand for my husband to see. It said you should surprise your woman by waking her up with oral sex. I woke up gagging."
Dave Odd At The Holiday Club in Chicago: "I saw a Knights of Columbus guy standing in the middle of the street collecting money. His vest said 'please help retarded children.' So I handed him a handful of bullets."
Johnny Beehner At The Comedy Club in Madison Wisconsin: "I just visited my grandpa. He's not doing so well. He's got what the doctors call 'riga mortis?' or 'rigormortis?' If you ask me, they should just call it Being Rude."
Kristin Key At Le Funny Femmes in Chicago: "I'm too skinny. Going to bed with me is like trying to make love to a bag full of coat hangers."
Madonna The kooky Kabbalist took a trip to Israel to show off her devotion to the mystical Jewish sect, insisting on being called 'Esther' the entire time. Defying tradition, The Material Yenta refused to throw pieces of bread in the ocean to rid herself of her sins. When asked why she didn't participate in the ritual, she replied, "There isn't enough yeast in the world to atone for what I've done," apparently forgetting for the first time in her life to remember her crotch.
Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam London resident Yusuf-Cat has been denied entrance to the U.S. of A. Knowing that the antiterrorist forces of America are hassling washed up pop artists makes us feel safer already, but why stop there? We at D/D hereby declare that Barry Manilow, Michael Bolton, Hootie and the Blowfish, Britney, and Zac Hansen are all Enemy Combatants guilty of musical terrorism!!! Now let's ship their talentless asses to Afghanistan.
Christina Aguilera Christina, whose career proves that as long as teenaged boys masturbate there will be a market for shitty singers with big tits, has been announced as a spokeswoman for P. Diddy's "Vote or Die" campaign. This is amazing since she has been on our "Would You Please Just Die" list for years. This is a big step up from her last gig as the spokeswoman for the "Touch My Ass And Catch Chlamydia" campaign.
Aretha Franklin The porcine pop diva announced plans for her first West Coast tour in two decades, yet said she refuses to fly, citing safety concerns. The FAA responded with a comment stating that the fear of flying Aretha was mutually shared by the airline industry due to federal cargo weight limits.
Phil Spector With a lifelong reputation for waving guns in people's faces while shitfaced and stoned, Phil has been indicted for murder. It looks like the inventor of the Wall Of Sound just might end up spending the rest of his life behind a Wall Of Concrete.
Dan Rather It wasn't enough that the nincompoop newscaster pissed on 50 years of CBS News credibility by presenting fake documents on President Bush's National Guard service as facts, he was further humiliated by being refused a shot as moderator/Guest Liar in the presidential debates. Maybe it is time to change his name to Dan Rather Inaccurate.
The Undecided Voter To be fair, it is hard to decide if someone is doing a good job after only 1000 GODDAMNED DAYS. We at D/D aren't sure who the fuck these voters are, but we suspect they are currently holding up the line at McDonalds, or maybe they are waiting until AFTER the light changes to turn on their left turn signal, or maybe they are at the shoe store trying on every pair in the back room before they leave without buying anything. All the Metamucil in the universe cannot get these retards to shit or get off the pot, but they get to choose the Leader Of The Free World.