Reno 911 Comedy Central's subversive spoof of the perennial Fox show "Cops" is starting to look like a never-ending winner itself, as the network renewed the rapid-fire-funny satire for a third season (a rarity in cable series).
Jimmy Kimmel Speaking of renewals, ABC has given its late-night funnyman its own strong vote of confidence by guaranteeing him a late-night home well into 2006. Give this comedic underdog a second chance; like Conan, he started out horribly but now leads a vastly improved show.
Seth Meyers and Will Forte SNL's presidential candidates did a bang-up job so far this season, maintaining the series' tradition of fantastic debate sketches. Forte's whiny, braying take on Bush: "It's hard work, we're working hard." in some strange way is already erasing memories of Will Ferrell's take on W. Meanwhile Meyers was so strong as Kerry that it's a shame he wont' get to play him for four more years.
Bridget Smith At Caroline's in NYC: "Looking for an apartment in New York really makes you change your standards. I told my last landlord this: 'If I'm paying two thousand dollars a month, I insist that the bathroom be indoors.'"
Rocky Flats Nuclear Weapons Plant This decommissioned Boulder Colorado plutonium death factory was slated to be demolished this year by the Kaiser Hill Company after the government gave them 7 billion smackers worth of trick-or-treat money to rid the world of it. Their original disposal idea? Blow the motherfucker up!!! Sadly this will not occur, as company spokesman Wile E. Coyote admitted this month that the plant could never be decontaminated enough to make this otherwise sensible plan come to fruition. Instead lucky human workers will begin manually clearing deadly atomic waste to make way for the construction of a wildlife refuge -- where presumably nature lovers can come and observe their most beloved animals as they slowly die of cancer and leukemia.
Caroline Sanchez-Bernat The lovely 29-year-old New Yorker received the dubious honor of being named Miss Subways, a contest designed to restore a glamorous face to the world's most offensive line of transportation. In addition to winning a sash and tiara, she was splattered with a perfume that smelled like hobo piss, placed drunken on a D train, then mugged, beaten, and nibbled by rats.
Fidel Castro Only the New York Yankees stumbled worse than Fidel did this month. The Cart-wheeling Cuban Commandante' swan dove painfully into the concrete during a public ceremony, breaking his left knee and right arm while performing an uncanny imitation of former U.S. president Gerald Ford. Not since the Berlin Wall came a tumblin' down has a symbol of communism fallen so dramatically.
Hunter S. Thompson The legendary gonzo journalist instigated fear and loathing among his fans at an L.A. Bookstore when he puked his way through a signing for more than 200 people. Fans were not irate for long, however, as they learned they could sell the books on Ebay as "Special Extra-Personalized Editions."
William Rehnquist The nation's head jurist announced he was fighting thyroid cancer. Along the way, the press announced he was 80 - scaring millions of Americans who now realize he's too old to handle a remote control, much less people's lives.
Courtney Love Not content with driving just one promising young man to blow his head off with a 12 gauge shotgun, rock's most tedious nut job announced she's looking for "eligible boys" between the ages of 18 and 30 to help straighten her life out. Special attention will be paid to respondents with a love of bad plastic surgery, violent outbursts, dirty needles and music secretly written by Kurt Cobain
Prince Harry The Little Prince got into a very big scuffle, pugnaciously popping a persistent paparazzi's pie-hole outside of a London nightclub. Harry (the unholy genetic result of the satanic intertwining of Lady Di and Prince Charles) is currently third in line of succession to the English throne, and first in line to the English middleweight boxing title. Lovers of the British Monarchy are fearful that he is running totally amok, since Haymakin' Harry also admitted to the press that he loves to get liquored up and smoke dope. But hey, at least when he becomes King the phrase "Your Royal Highness" will actually mean something.