Steve Sabo On tour: "I read a Rolling Stone article about Marilyn Manson. It said he had a groupie come back stage and ask him to rip pages out of the bible, shove them deep inside her while various members of the band took turns urinating on her.  Can you believe that?  Can you believe there was a bible backstage at a Marilyn Manson concert?"
Steve Purcell At Giggles in Milwaukee: "When I was a kid my mom would wake me up for school every morning by playing the song Elvira by the Oak Ridge Boys at a very high volume.  To this day whenever I hear that song I want to cut school and go smoke a joint behind the garage."
Dobie Maxwell On WLUP-FM in Chicago: "I have the worst luck with cars. I'm the only person I know who has run out of gas...in the car wash. Another time I blew the engine in the Taco Bell drive-thru line. That's adding insult to injury because I had to push it ten feet...wait for someone to make an order...push it another ten feet."
Sideways While this film by the outstanding writing team of Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor (About Schmidt, Election) is ultimately touching as well, this tale of two best buddies on a weeklong bachelor-party road trip features some of the funniest and most surprising scenes of any film this year. A definite Oscar contender and a must-see.
The Beavers of Greensburg, Louisiana Yes, beavers. A gaggle of the bucktoothed busy bastards fell upon a canvas bag containing over 70 thousand dollars that were stolen from the nearby Lucky Dollar Casino, and tossed into their now upscale swamp. The paddle-tailed opportunists wasted no time investing the cash by weaving the Greensburg greenbacks into a new dam, making them the most successful money grubbing rodents since Donald Trump
Yasser Arafat The Palestinian leader/terrorist died this month. Or, you could say he threw in the towel.
U.S. Airport Security With the holidays just around the corner the Transportation Safety Board has decided to let the minimum wage geeks who conduct contraband searches at our nation's airports to start copping feels off of an ever increasing number of elderly ladies and celebrities. Actress Patti Lupone - Evita on Broadway and the mom on TV's "Life Goes On"  - was forced to remove her shirt in public, then have her buttocks and breasts squeezed in front of a planeload of passengers. A dimbulb in a cheap uniform massaging Patti Lupone's ass in public? Just call it the "Revenge of Corky."
K-Mart and Sears The twin titans of trashy products announced an $11 billion merger that would make the joint companies the third largest purveyor of crap on Earth.  Yippee - now you can get your shitty clothes and your generic appliances in one shabbily decorated store!
Charles H. Bell The CEO of McDonald's announced he is stepping down to focus on his battle with cancer. He replaced James R. Cantalupo, who died of a heart attack at a McDonalds convention in April. Cancer.heart attack.Amazing.Apparently the highly educated millionaires who run Mickey Dee's are actually stupid enough to eat the food there. It's time to replace Ronald McDonald with a more accurate corporate spokesperson: the Angel Of Death.
Kirstie Alley Speaking of fatass McDonalds regulars, the former hottie from "Cheers" has porked out to 260 pounds and hit the cover of Star magazine admitting she's (and we quote) "Too Fat for Sex!" Now, if only the rest of America's obese citizens would get the memo.
The National Basketball Association Hey David Stern, rather than suspending Ron Artest for the season, why not make him the spokesman for the NBA's newest promotional campaign? "NBA Basketball: It's Fan-Punching-Tastic!!!"