A Q&A with Former U.S. Rep. Richard Martin

Martin, who has been appeared at comedian Paul Gilmartin's shows in comedy clubs and theaters all across the country, was kind enough to find the time to answer our question via e-mail from his gated, heavily fortified community in Ohio.

A_P: First of all, why are you making appearances at comedy clubs and theaters instead of political events?

RM: I guess because some people find my answers humorous. And because I speak the truth, some Republicans are uncomfortable having me represent their views. Or because my company, Ohio Petroleum & Synthetics, was found guilty of dumping into the Ohio river and a couple dozen hayseed babies had "problems at birth". Those parents weren't exactly runway models. I mean who decides what's a mutation and what's just unattractive? I'll tell you who. The Lord.

A_P: Last I heard, the President's approval ratings are at their lowest point -- around 30 percent. What can President Bush do to get his approval ratings above 50 percent again?

RM: I think he's going to need to win the endorsement of more commercial country singers. They're the best ones to lead Americans through complex issues.

A_P: Since George W. Bush won't be able to run for a third term, who would you like to see run for the office? Who would be the best person to run for office?

RM: I'd like to see the Jebster. He's a straight shooter. And he has the key ingredient for leadership in this country, whether you're Republican or Democrat: He's a millionaire. Millionaires make the best leaders. Why? Because they know what corporations want them to do before they even have to ask.

A corporation shouldn't have to pick up the phone and say, "Kill this piece of legislation because it will affect my year-end bonus". It should be understood. Plus, most politicians know if they pass any anti-business legislation, they're going to have to answer for it when they see those CEO's in their Saturday morning foursome.

A_P: Has America forgotten about New Orleans?

RM: Forgotten what about New Orleans? Oh, you mean the black people and that whole flood thing. Are we still on that? Can we please move on? If the minority sinners didn't want their neighborhood turned into a TGI Fridays, they shouldn't have flaunted their homosexuality. What part of the Bible don't you understand?

A_P: Why are we passing permanent tax cuts at a time of war and such a huge deficit?

RM: Because 9 trillion is a fun number. Kids use it to exaggerate. "Mom, I could eat 9 trillion cookies!" We've made that number a reality. We're helping children realize their dreams.

A_P: Why does Bush, a man who speaks Spanish, worry so much about illegal Mexicans entering the country?

RM: Because they cause problems. Mostly in the first week of November. They should have the decency to finish my yard and get out.

A_P: How do we know the NSA or the government isn't using phone data for reasons other than gathering intelligence on terrorism?

RM: Would you please trust us?!? We would never do anything to harm a single American gated community.

A_P: Why are we still in Iraq?

RM: I resent that question. Don, Dick and George are pouring their hearts into Iraq. Spending hours imagining what military people experience. And you have the gall to question their patriotism? How dare you. I should take away your flag. Come to think of it. You probably don't have one.

A_P: Finally, how can we get Republicans and Democrats in office to work together for the good of the people?

RM: If Democrats would only realize that the world runs on oil and the exploited labor of poor people, it would be so much simpler. They need to get off their anti-war, fair-trade, human-rights high-horse. That's all I have time for. I've got to make an appearance at church. May God bless you and America!