Citizen Kinky
Danny Gallagher
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One day after Kinky Friedman announced his candidacy for Texas governor in front of the Alamo in San Antonio, Burnt Orange Report blogger Byron LaMasters wrote, "Personally, I don't plan on paying much attention to him. It looks like a vanity campaign that will probably provide a bit of comic relief, but as far as serious candidates are concerned, he's not among them."

Friedman said even though he's made a living in entertainment and making people laugh, he's dead serious about running for governor. The Texas Monthly columnist, mystery writer and author of Ten Little New Yorkers, and Excuse Me While I Whip This Out: Reflections of Country Singers, Politicians and Other Troublemakers talked with Arriviste Press about what he's got to do to win the Governor's race and what he plans to do once he gets there.

A_P: Are you hearing that people don’t plan to take you seriously in your campaign?

KF: Once in a while, you hear it. You hear it mostly from Democrats and Republicans to their party, the people who have a stranglehold on politics as usual. You hear it from the people, of course you do. But it's a surprisingly small amount, and we've got a long campaign. It's not like Jesse Ventura's or Arnold Schwarzenegger's was. We've got 18 months to convince them we're serious and the main thing that's going to convince them is getting on the ballot. When that happens, it'll be the first time since 1859, when Sam Houston did it and became the first independent on the ballot.

A_P: How many signatures do you have to get?

KF: 45,539 .We can't start collecting until March of 2006, immediately after the primaries. Then if there's a runoff, we only have one month to do it. If there's not a runoff, we have two months to do it and anyone who votes in either primary can't sign the petition.

A_P: So do you feel your chances are good of getting enough signatures?

KF: They're excellent; that's a done deal. The question is are we going to get three, four or five times that many. Getting on the ballot is assured. Nonetheless, when it happens, it's not just going to be news, it's going to be Texas history.

A_P: Does Ralph Nader's Supreme Court case being turned down (regarding his petition to get on the ballot in Texas) bother you in anyway?

KF: No, this is just more of what's ironic about our wonderful two-party system and what it's become. Democracy is really beginning to flourish in places like Lebanon and the Ukraine. In Texas, millions are being spent to torpedo and sabotage a guy like Ralph Nader. He has no chance to win anyway. These people want to keep out any new ideas, new people, new parties, new voices; they want to keep that out of the public forum. And if it gets on the ballot, they don't want the guy to be on the debates, and I think the public is getting very, very tired of that.

In fact, I traveled the state as a musician first, then as an author, but not really as a politician, more as an anti-politician. That's what I'm really doing, I'm running against politics. I've been looking for a place above politics, so we can actually get something done. I'm hearing that same thing from everybody. They're really fed up with career politicians and politics as usual.

A_P: You ran for Justice of the Peace in Kerrville, Texas in 1986. What made you want to run for Governor?

KF: You've got to fail one thing before you can succeed at another. George W. failed in his first congressional race in Midland and, as Oscar Wilde said, "What fire doesn't destroy, it hardens." So I guess it hardened my resolve.

A_P: Did the JP race make you want to run for Governor?

KF: No, it had nothing to do with it. What I felt I could do was redefine [the] job, and believe me, the other candidates see it as, they see it as a job -- a comfortable, prestigious job. I see [the governorship] as an opportunity to make that Lone Star shine again. I also believe the cowboy handshake is the law of the land, and a politician when asked a question is already thinking, "insert lie here." That's the difference between a cowboy and a politician.

A_P: You said you want to make this campaign fun. Is it possible to make your campaign intentionally funnier than the other campaigns?

KF: Yeah, I think something can become fun and significant at the same time. That's what I intend this to be. I don't intend to be straight. It's not going to look like the other campaigns, but humor is a good way of sailing dangerously close to the truth without sinking the ship. I'm amazed at the number of people who are not asking me my platform or how I stand on this. They kind of grasp right away that an outsider running is kind of important.

A_P: So do you want to take the politics out of government and put some more humor into it?

KF: It's a "Seabiscuit" campaign, but we intend to win this race. We're not running to make people think or to have fun. We're running to win. But a win for us would be so important for America. It would be more important than when Jesse won in Minnesota because Texas is really a seminal state, a very influential and populous state. For an independent to win here, it would send shivers up the spine of every ribbon cutter and career politician in the country and it would change the political landscape of the country.

Most people are tired of the fact that when Republicans have a good idea, the Democrats kill it, and when the Democrats have one, the Republicans shoot it down. I'm interested in Texas. It's as simple as that, and I believe that musicians can run this state better than politicians -- and I believe that beauticians can run this state better than politicians. So you talk like that for just a few minutes to people and they understand, whether they're on the same side of the education page or the criminal justice deal or whether they know about biodiesel, which is something I'm promoting heavily with my friend Willie Nelson. The main thing is, you'll have a governor who's untainted by politics; you'll have a governor really appointing people, not political cronies. And, hey, I'm a Jew. Trust me, I'll hire good people.

A_P: Are there are any other obstacles?

KF: This has never been done before, and there's a reason why is hasn't: because it ain't easy. It's a classic battle between money and ideas. More than $100 million was spent in the last gubernatorial race, most in negative attack ads. The question is why would someone want to spend that for a job that pays $100,000? Again, as I've said often times before, this is not a political campaign, maybe that's why the guy at [Burnt Orange Report] didn't get it. It’s a spiritual one, and it's more about Martin Luther King Jr., Ghandi and Jesus Christ than it is about [Texas Governor] Rick Perry or [Senator] Kay Bailey Hutchinson or Kinky Friedman. It's about spiritual lifting, not heavy lifting.

A_P: Speaking of ads, it's pretty early but can you say what kind of advertising you're going to do or are there any ideas floating around?

KF: It won't look like anything any of the other candidates have. That's for sure, it's about as unconventional as you can imagine. That's quite a ways in the future, that's November of 2006… I think it'll be a very colorful campaign, it'll be a circus with a purpose and everybody from Bob Dylan to Willie Nelson to Jesse Ventura will be involved. Even my friends Penn & Teller plan to come down here and help make the opposition disappear.

A_P: Let's talk about the issues. Under your "Why Not Kinky?" section, obviously at the top of the list is education reform. When a lot of people talk about education in Texas, they talk about funding or the students, but you seem to want to give an equal amount of focus to the teachers. Are we neglecting our teachers?

KF: Oh absolutely, I often say, "no teacher left behind." I'm telling you this governor has one thought in his head and that is, "Should I or should I not wear the French cuffs?" He's not thinking about public schools, that's just a nuisance to him and the whole politics-as-usual system. I say we may have to explore legalizing casino gambling and we're going to have get some money to pay these teachers better so we have better teachers and better students. But when you try to solve a problem purely financially or technologically, you always fail. You have to take in regard the human component.

A_P: Is there too much focus on money?

KF: Absolutely. If this governor had billions to give to education, he'd still spend it on the wrong thing. They'd be building parking lots and stadiums and things like that. We've got to find the great teacher, the teacher that you and I had. Where is that teacher now? Probably in an under-resourced school somewhere. Let's find that teacher and listen and learn from them and bring Austin to him or her. Let people with teaching certificates run the education of Texas and then we'll see what happens with all this testing, the salaries and the athletic directors who are getting more money than anyone else in the school. Let's let the people who care about children run education.

The governor can't snap his fingers and do a lot of things here; he's not a powerful person here. He's mostly a ceremonial one, so it would be redefining the job. But if everybody knows that we're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and that we're winning, and that we're 49th in education and first in executions, that would be a good thing if we were all aware of the position. As Dr. Phil says, "How's that working for ya?"